Has a good friend of yours ever destroyed your trust? Said something they shouldn't have? Done something that made you want to do something horrifically violent that your mother told you never to think about doing? C'mon, you know who you are. It's happened to all of us. How many of you have told that person "I forgive you"? Hands up. Ok, hopefully everyone. Now how many of you really knew what you were saying?
Yeah, thought so. Many people "forgive" friends who have harmed them, only to bear a grudge that they carry with them forever. When the time is right, they whip it out when they need something to squash their friend with. That's not forgiveness.
Real forgiveness - TRUE forgiveness, the kind that bonds a relationship and helps it move past the ordinary into the extraordinary - means that the event, in your mind, NEVER HAPPENED.
None of this "I forgive you but I'll never trust you again". Nope - that's not forgiveness. That's you being false - trying to appear gracious and better than that person, but really not.
Now granted, depending on the hurt, some things are not so easy to forgive. That's fine. Tell the person "I can't really forgive you right now. It hurts too much." But don't lie and tell them you do forgive them.
Falsehood when it comes to forgiveness is as hurtful and as the original act. That's why so many people do it - you want that person to suffer as much as you did. But in the end, that doesn't help the world heal, and it doesn't help the relationship progress.
Remember - mistakes, arguments, fights, apologies and forgiveness are important to progressing a relationship with someone. Without those, a relationship slowly dies like a plant without water. Ask any long-standing married couple and they'll tell you they fight, and then they forgive. It's all par for the course.
Consider the case of Ronald Cotton - accused by a woman of raping her. Check it out here. If you have ANYONE you need to forgive and don't think you can, consider Ronald Cotton. He lost 11 years of his life because a woman falsely accused him of raping her. When he got out, he didn't hold a grudge. He forgave her. And they wrote a book together. And formed a lifelong friendship based on one thing and one thing alone: FORGIVENESS.
It can happen. You can do it. Maybe not immediately, but soon. Try. The bonds of friendship will be that much stronger.
Now, on the other side of the coin, next we'll talk about truly being sorry...
That was an amazing story. But why is it that teenagers have more trouble forgiving? Its like whenever we have a fight with a friend its harder to forgive. Is it because we don't have many other things to focus on?
ReplyDeleteIt's harder to forgive immediately, but teens actually tend to hold grudges for shorter periods of time, I think. The initial shock of being hurt is so great, because you have so little life experience to go on, that it seems unforgivable. Many things are blown out of proportion in the teen mind. Friendships end and will NEVER be restored. Parents NEVER spend any time with you. Things are more black and white, never or always.
ReplyDeleteWhy? Because you've only been around for fifteen, sixteen years. That's not a long time. Consider you spent the first four or five learning to walk, talk, eat by yourself, and go to the bathroom. Then the next four or five years you started picking up on some social data, boys vs. girls, that kinda thing. And then BOOM, a few years later you're a teen, your body's changing, social norms are changing. Everything's changing. That's incredibly difficult for your mind and soul to process.
So it's difficult to forgive at your age. However, like everything else, the more you're AWARE of these facts, the more you can act on them and take control of your own life. YOU decide if you can forgive someone. And I hope you do.