Holiday Thoughts

Well, here at the Sheridan household the dogs are chomping on their christmas bones, the girls are either dancing or watching TV, and Kyle is wrestling his little heart out with his new toys.  I've turned 42 (for those of you into Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy that's the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything).

I'm not going to presume you all are Christmas fans, maybe some of you celebrate Kwanzaa, or Hanukkah, or maybe nothing at all.  But whatever your cause, this is truly a time of celebration and joy.

Why?  Because this is the time of year when the days get the shortest, the winter wipes clean the previous year, and we are all given a chance to start again.  We share with each other during this time of year as the cold weather huddles us closer together, and we give to help each other survive the snow or just to help us realize how much we have.

When we share we confirm to ourselves that we have enough TO share.  It makes us realize how great our lives are, and how much we have to give.  Sure, some feel they HAVE to share, even if they don't want to, and many people don't get the spirit of the season, but that's the diversity we've always talked about.  These are the differences that make us a perfectly completed whole.

So to all of my friends out there, I say have a great holiday season, filled with the recognition I've mentioned above, and the knowledge that you are all wonderful, perfect beings fulfilling the role of a unique and connected collective.  Let's make 2010 a year unlike any others we've experienced, and let's make it a wonderful change for the world.

Have a great one!

Kev

When Hopelessness Abounds...

'Tis the season - so why am I getting so much bad news?  Anyone else having this problem?  Maybe a grade slipping or a boyfriend or girlfriend fight?  Or maybe memories of some Christmas past is creeping up and forming the foundation for a ton of "I HATE CHRISTMAS" feelings.

Yeah, I know.  Take a look at what happened to me today.
1)  Daughter Hannah got accepted to Susquehannah University.  GREAT NEWS!  Right?  Except:
2)  I'm out of a job.  Was told today that the position I interviewed for is being outsourced to India.  Ray.  3)  So I've applied for another job.  Got this in the mail:
"We have reviewed your submission and have decided to continue our search for candidates whose skills and experience more closely match the position"


And that's for a job I was SURE was perfect for me.  No sweat - more time for me to write.  In fact, I sent out a query letter to an agent today - my best query letter yet!


4)  "Thank you for your query, but I don't think I would be the best match in this instance."


I have thus had THREE rejections in one day!  Thank God for Hannah's good news or I'd be 0 for 4!


So, what do I do?  Whistle a happy tune?  Hardly.  I was pretty peeved.  I got angry.  Depressed.  Ate some crap I shouldn't have.  Tried to enjoy a few holiday traditional movies, and then decided to write to you all. 


What I did was carry on.  I allowed the emotions to come out, I recognized them, and then moved past them.  The anger lasted for about a 1/2 hour.  The depression, probably a little more than a couple of hours.  May even have a little sitting around me.  But the writing - that's what's keeping me going.


What keeps you going?  Every piece of bad news is an event that you WILL move past.  It's inevitable.  But the more you try to suppress the natural reactions to bad news, bad memories, or bad feelings, the longer they stick around.  My friend Neale Donald Walsch has said that "What you resist, persists."  And it's true.  I can't make these people hire me.  I can't make this person be my agent.  I CAN however, be angry about the job, depressed about the prospects, but only for a little while.  Then it doesn't help me anymore.  I mean, really, clinging to anger isn't going to get me another job, right?


Writing, however, just might.  So that's what I'm doing.


Move forward.  And if you want, think about the fact that you're moving forward with friends.  Don't think you have any friends?  Think again.  You've got one in me.


Try me.

An Excerpt from "Dealing with Dudes and Chicks"

From the INTRO to "Dealing with Dudes and Chicks" by Kevin, Hannah and Cara Sheridan

     

           You.  Are.  Perfect. 

Perfect.

No, seriously!  You are.  You know that right?  No “original sin”, no “nasty” inherited traits, hell, even that “too big a nose to get a prom date” isn’t really big.  It’s perfect, because it’s yours.  Understand?  Good.  Glad we sorted that out.

            Wait!  Hang on a sec!  Why’re you cryin’ BULL?!?  Wait wait wait!  Don’t close the book!

            I know.  I get it.  I understand you’re not buyin’ what I’ve been selling.  Just wanted to try it out and see if it stuck.  If you believe the first paragraph with all your heart, if you know it to be true to the point where you can’t imagine it NOT being true, THEN you can close the book.  Put it away and save it for someone who needs it.  But chances are, you picked up this book, and started reading it, specifically because something is messed up about you.  Right?  At least in your mind?

            I know.  I get it.  I’ve been there. 

            Look, I’m not some psychiatrist with a PhD in Making Stuff Up.  I never majored in Child Psychology, which is probably a good thing because you’re not a child.  You’re a teenager, and there ain’t no more confusing, frustrating, weird-ass decade in the course of a human life.  I know cuz I’ve been there.  Yup, this creepy old guy was a teenager once.  I’m also a dad, which means I get to watch three other teens go through the same crap I did.  At some point, God willing, I may even be a Grandad.  Hell, who knows how many times I’ll get to live through this. 

            Now, if you’re like my kids, or you’ve read my bio, you’re probably thinking “Dude, you’re like, forty-one.  That’s really old!”  To which I would flex my shirt-bustin’ guns, tighten my six-pack abs, straighten up tall and say “Who you callin’ OLD!”  (I can get away with that cuz I’m the author.  Really I’d have to wear a tight t-shirt, suck in my muffin-top, try to flex my man boobs and straighten up after a quick visit to the chiropractor.  See what you have to look forward to?)  But I WAS a teenager once.  Every year from thirteen to nineteen in my life.  Teenager every one of them.

            So now you’re thinking, “Yeah, but that was like, in the eighties, right?  Did they even have computers then?  The internet?  Electricity?”  Well, yeah they did.  But I’m not gonna list the antiques that we had that you wouldn’t even recognize now (like the vinyl albums that my daughter wants to make into a serving bowl).  I know what you’re driving at – but yes, with the exception of the speed in which the world moves, the problems of being a teenager in the Facebook, Xbox, PS3, Blackberry digital age are EXACTLY the same as they were in the Atari, Intellivision, Music-still-on-MTV age, oh so long ago. 

            Why?  Because the nature of the human race hasn’t changed.  Sorry dudes and chicks, you may be moving at a million miles a second, but you are still walking, talking, organic masses of cells, tissues, muscle, blood and hormones.  Oh and at your age?  Heavy on the hormones.  I know you dudes are walkin’ around wonderin’ if you’ll ever get to really use that thing in your pants (or how quickly you WILL get to use it again), and I know you gals are wonderin’ if you’ll ever really find the perfect relationship.  Fact is the thoughts, emotions, experiences, and ultimately the reality of the modern American teenager are as distorted, imagined, whacked-out and generally difficult to understand as they ever have been or ever will be.  And just so you don’t feel bad, many an adult are still in the same boat.

            So I know you feel lonely, even if you’re not alone.  I know you’ve got questions that no one wants to answer, thoughts that no one wants to face, and a need to seriously figure out what the hell to do about a lot of things.  But chill, you’re not alone, there ARE answers, and your thoughts can be changed as easily as your underwear.  You can and WILL figure out what to do about everything, if you want to.  Or don’t.  Doesn’t matter to me.  But it will matter to you.

            You’re not alone, you’re not lost, and you’re not a waste of human life.  You’re on a path to somewhere, along with a ton of other people, and you’re exploring and creating your path as you go.  You’ve got incredible freedom to follow the path where it leads, or branch off into a new direction.  Folks will travel the path with you, some “cool” and some “not so cool”, whatever that may mean in your mind, and some of those folks will drift off while others come on.  So look around and shake the hands of the dudes and dudettes around you.  Cuz if you follow this path staring at your shoes, that’s all you’re ever gonna see.

Spiritual Re-birth

Hey everyone!  Sorry for the delay - Thanksgiving holidays and all. Hope everyone had a great time celebrating the wonderful things in your life.  I know I did.  The turkey was stupendous and the meal was as satisfying as any I ever had.

Had a bit of a revelation today that I thought I'd share.  I've been studying these Laws of Attraction books that have been out and were all the rage a few years back.  If you don't know what I'm referring to check out The Secret or Ask and It Is Given.  Or check out the movie What the Bleep Do We Know?  All fascinating stuff, and all extremely difficult for me to get my arms around.

The basic premise is this:  the universe is spinning and working at a sub-atomic level according to your thoughts, wishes, desires, etc.   But because we as a human race don't control those thoughts, or rather don't fully understand this quantum physics level of activity, we choose things that aren't good for us, and thus continue sending us spiraling down a path of unhappiness and unhealthiness.

I can see the truth in some of that.  How else do you explain the speed with which we move now, not taking time for rest, relaxation, or healthy lifestyles?  Don't believe me?  Check out this article from Businessweek.  Some highlights:

• More than 31% of college-educated male workers are regularly logging 50 or more hours a week at work, up from 22% in 1980.
• Forty percent of American adults get less than seven hours of sleep on weekdays, reports the National Sleep Foundation, up from 31% in 2001

Multi-tasking, cell phone-talking and texting while driving have all contributed to a constant state of information awareness.  We're bombarding ourselves with external input, and MAYBE spending one day a week, for MAYBE an hour or two, gathering internal input.  Of course we're not making choices that benefit us as a human race!  We don't have time!


But what is it that is preventing us from making this leap forward?  According to the 2007 Census for the Religious Distribution in the U.S., over 83% of the U.S. population affiliate themselves with some religion.  Only 17% either don't know or remain unaffiliated.  That includes New Agers, Muslims, Jews, Catholics, Protestants, etc.  


The question is - how many of those 83% really BELIEVE.  And I don't mean "do you believe in God, yadda yadda yadda."  It's really easy to say "yes" to those obviously leading questions.  How many of you BELIEVE that you have a CONNECTION with whatever supreme being you believe in.  Do you KNOW the words that you're saying in church, do you KNOW what they mean, and more importantly, do you fully, honestly BELIEVE in them?  


I don't think we do.  I think the number of people who feel they can honestly affect the outcome of the world by CONNECTING with a higher power (not just passively "praying" to them) would be a lot smaller.  It's as if we've left the outcome of the world to God while not caring what that outcome is, and thus accepting the positive OR negative as the "Will of God".


In order for any part of The Secret or quantum physics or anything like that to work and take hold, we have to believe that we are truly ONE with God, the Universe, whatever, and as such we ARE GOD.  Thus, it follows, that collectively, if we act in the best interest of the human race, together, there is NOTHING we cannot accomplish.  It also follows that if we act in the best interest of ourselves individually, we act in the best interest of the human race.


That's what's missing.  At least from my life.  So I'm going to create a spiritual re-birth in myself.  I'm going to feel myself connected to universe, and watch as things unfold that I've only ever dreamed of.  


You are God.  Not "a" God.  THE God.  As am I.  As are we all.  That's what quantum physics is about.  The question is, what are we going to do with all this power?

Sorry Seems To Be...

There's a song by Elton John called "Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word".  Words by Bernie Taupin.  It's an amazing song that captures how hard it is to rectify a situation with someone and how hard it is to make them realize you're sorry.

Being sorry is incredibly difficult - being truly truly sorry.  Saying you're sorry isn't so hard.  Especially if you don't mean it.  In fact, in many kids, "Sorry" is almost reflexive.  They don't even think about it.  It just comes out.

But that's not being sorry.  There are two components to being truly sorry for hurting someone, either by accident or in a moment of temporary insanity.

1. The event caused you to change in some way.  The event being NOT the action itself, but the seeing the pain you caused someone else.  Feeling that pain.  Realizing that you were responsible for that.  And it doesn't have to be a big deal, even a minor one.  To be truly sorry, you have to realize that the hurt occurred, and you have to be a different person for it.  If not, then #2 can't happen.
2. By being changed, you now know yourself and your friend better.  This enables you to ensure the event doesn't repeat itself.  It's said that those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it.  To me, it's more than memory - it's experience.  I'd say those who are not CHANGED by the past are condemned to repeat it.  If you recognize yourself as a new person who will no longer DO whatever it was you did, it's easier to make that a part of who you are, not just something you need to remember.

If those two points above are true, your friend will see it, you'll know it and you'll begin to live it.  And out of that, your friend will find it much easier to forgive as you will be much more capable of demonstrating how it won't happen again.

And when they do forgive, and when you're truly sorry, it'll seem like the event never happened before, and could never happen again.  How could it?  You were a different person then!

I forgive you...sort of...

Has a good friend of yours ever destroyed your trust?  Said something they shouldn't have?  Done something that made you want to do something horrifically violent that your mother told you never to think about doing?

C'mon, you know who you are.  It's happened to all of us.  How many of you have told that person "I forgive you"?  Hands up.  Ok, hopefully everyone.  Now how many of you really knew what you were saying?

Yeah, thought so.  Many people "forgive" friends who have harmed them, only to bear a grudge that they carry with them forever.  When the time is right, they whip it out when they need something to squash their friend with.  That's not forgiveness.

Real forgiveness - TRUE forgiveness, the kind that bonds a relationship and helps it move past the ordinary into the extraordinary - means that the event, in your mind, NEVER HAPPENED.

None of this "I forgive you but I'll never trust you again".  Nope - that's not forgiveness.  That's you being false - trying to appear gracious and better than that person, but really not.

Now granted, depending on the hurt, some things are not so easy to forgive.  That's fine.  Tell the person "I can't really forgive you right now.  It hurts too much."  But don't lie and tell them you do forgive them.

Falsehood when it comes to forgiveness is as hurtful and as the original act.  That's why so many people do it - you want that person to suffer as much as you did.  But in the end, that doesn't help the world heal, and it doesn't help the relationship progress.

Remember - mistakes, arguments, fights, apologies and forgiveness are important to progressing a relationship with someone.  Without those, a relationship slowly dies like a plant without water.  Ask any long-standing married couple and they'll tell you they fight, and then they forgive.  It's all par for the course.

Consider the case of Ronald Cotton - accused by a woman of raping her.  Check it out here.  If you have ANYONE you need to forgive and don't think you can, consider Ronald Cotton.  He lost 11 years of his life because a woman falsely accused him of raping her.  When he got out, he didn't hold a grudge.  He forgave her.  And they wrote a book together.  And formed a lifelong friendship based on one thing and one thing alone:  FORGIVENESS.

It can happen.  You can do it.  Maybe not immediately, but soon.  Try.  The bonds of friendship will be that much stronger.

Now, on the other side of the coin, next we'll talk about truly being sorry...

So you think you got problems?

Well, if you do, then you do.  None of this “I’ll give you somethin’ to cry about”.  Never let anyone trivialize what you think are problems, because in your world, they are.  However, there is usually something deeper there than a missing shoe.  

 

When you feel you’re about to explode because your dog has pulled your sweater out of your room or your mom asked you to clean up your room one too many times, find a quiet moment, after the wave of rage has passed you by, and think about why you had that outburst.  Why you felt such tension.  Look in the mirror and ask yourself:  what’s behind that?  

 

Your rage is legitimate, and the feelings of anger are there and won’t go away by suppressing them.  You have to recognize them, but in order to keep them from coming back, you have to dig to the roots of them and pull them out like weeds.  What is it you’re really feeling?  Self-esteem issues?  Frustration at being confined?  

 

Whatever it is, after you’ve identified it, or became aware of it, talk to someone about it.  Talk to your mom, if you can.  A best friend, even.  Hell, if no-one else talk to yourself in the mirror as if you were talking to God.  And listen.  

 

Then make a choice about how to deal with it.

Going Somewhere?

How many of you are going to hell?  Hands up.  C’mon, you know you think you are.  Ok, easier question, how many have been told to go to hell?  Even more hands.  Well, allow me to present a proposition to you.  You’re not going anywhere.  

The notion of heaven and hell is as old as the world itself, used primarily as a reward/punishment means of controlling the masses.  Behave as we’ve outlined, and you go to heaven when you die.  Disobey, and it’s eternal damnation in hell for you.  Pretty scary stuff, right?  But it absolutely doesn’t jibe with the notion of a realm of absolute. 

As humans, all we know is something relative to something else.  That person is tall, because that person is short.  That person is nice because this other person was mean.  But that’s exactly why we’re here, right?  To experience the realm of the relative.  But for our souls, many believe the realm outside of this physical plain is the realm of absolute – be it energy, vibrations, or the universe in total connectedness.  Regardless, we are all one.  There is no “other”.  There, there is no beginning and no end, no division between the energies, vibrations, what have you, and God, the universe, etc.  So how is it, after you die, you could possibly “go” to someplace different, and stay there for all eternity?

Now some may argue that when you die, if you die in a state of negative energy, then that’s all you’ll know after you die, hence an eternal “hell”.  Vice versa if you die in a state of positive energy.  But even then, the notion of “positive” and “negative” don’t exist in the realm of the absolute.  There is just “energy”. 

This all fits in quite well with most major religions and their notion of “God is everything”, “God is the alpha and omega, the end all, be all”, and that finally when we die we become “one with God”.  Makes perfect sense, and totally contradicts the notion of sins, forgiveness, and restitution.

So where do those items come into play?  Here, in the realm of the relative.  Here, I believe the notion of “going to heaven” should be replaced with the notion of “achieving heaven”.  Similarly, work hard enough at it and you could literally “achieve hell”, right here on Earth.  Stress, depression, anger, hatred, all can lead to achieving hell, while joy, love, happiness can all be considered a state of achieving heaven.  And this isn’t usable as a form of punishment or reward – the thought there is that someone else can provide you with happiness or love or that those feelings are dependent on something or someone else.

The real beauty of achieving heaven or hell is that it’s entirely up to you.  When you become aware that these aren’t places to go but rather states of being, in the here and now, you can recognize that which prevents you from achieving one state or another.  And once you recognize that, you can chose something else that brings you closer to your goal.

So don’t let the Heaven and Hell places scare you or entice you.  If you believe in the realm of the absolute, rejoice in the knowledge that when you die, your soul becomes one with all that is, and that there’s no other way.  However, while you are here in the present world, in the physical realm of the relative, you can achieve either and strive towards heaven.  Just make sure you don’t tell someone to “achieve hell”.  It’s not nice.

My New Bridge

You like?  It’s a bridge from my old life to my new.  Ok, it’s really the San Francisco Bay Bridge.  Don’t rain on my parade!

 

So anyway, we all have a bridge that we’re building.  Building it every day, piece by piece.  I know school sucks, and you’re bored out of your mind, and wondering when the hell you’re ever gonna really use that algebra and Western Civ crap.

 

Well, they’re not just classes.  Days are not just tick marks on a calendar.  They’re parts of a bridge.  They get you from here to there, wherever there is.  And even if sometimes it seems like the bridge is going to nowhere, you can finish it whenever you like and start another one.  Or like a five year-old, knock it down and start over again.

 

My bridge is taking me from the corporate life to the life of a writer.  I’ve never been on that island before, and it’s pretty scary.  I mean, hell, I could end up like those folks on LOST, fighting smoke and weird dudes like Benjamin Linus.  

 

Ok, sorry, I’m a bit obsessed right now.

 

But seriously, think about where your life is heading right now.  Today.  Where is the bridge you’re building leading to?  You may never have even considered it.  But take a moment and think - do I want to continue building it?  Or really get a thrill by kicking it to hell and starting over again?

 

The choice is yours.

 

Where’s your bridge going to?